Soul Mates

From: Finding a Husband
Check your expectations

The annual State of Our Unions report for 2002 detailed a trend among single men who date for recreation with one eye open for someone else. They have sex with their girlfriends but admit they'll never marry these girls because they're not "soul mates."

Most people want a mate who knows them at their deepest points and loves them fully. But the problem with the soul mate expectation is that you risk setting yourself up for failure. When asked to describe their soul mate, many singles imagine a person who "completes them," and vice versa. They assume their soul mate will love them exactly as they are and never ask them to change. But what happens when those two soul mates encounter the turbulence of marriage? These expectations cause them to doubt that they've found their "soul mate" after all.

Human relationships will always be flawed because we're fallen creatures. To expect otherwise is a setup for divorce.

Despite fantasies of marriage as an endless date, a lifelong partnership is actually about thriving in the day-to-day stuff of life: raising kids, paying the bills, cleaning the house, etc. A lasting marriage requires commitment, no matter what. You have to go into it expecting highs and lows. A good marriage can make the lows a lot more bearable, though.

Hoping for a Soul Mate

“Nothing has produced more unhappiness than the concept of a soul mate.”

That’s the opinion of Atlanta psychiatrist Frank Pittman in the March 2004 issue of Psychology Today. For the article “Great Expectations,” Polly Shulman interviewed Pittman and several other marriage experts who are concerned that the growing expectation for a perfect match is frustrating singles needlessly and threatening their chances of a satisfying marriage.

More on Soul Mates at Boundless.