Visiting po po

I had a nice 1.5 day trip to Phoenix last Sunday and Monday. I had to take my po po to her doctor's appointment. Just a bit under 2 hours on the plane, though my flight back to San Francisco on Monday was delayed by an hour or so because they found a loose piece of metal near the engine cowling and had to check on that. Eventually they decided to tape it over with some tape (the passenger behind me joked that if all it needed was duct tape that he could go out and do it himself, instead of waiting for the maintenance crew to do it), and to leave it to be fixed in San Francisco.

How much longer will the conveniences of air travel continue to exist? It is so easy to take for granted easy quick travel. Even if our society cannot do without oil at present, nor can we as individuals and families live an oil-free life [most of us cannot], we should cultivate the gratitude for the conveniences that oil makes possible, and not to squander it on frivolous things? Travelling for the sake of family seems to be more justified than travelling for "tourism" or "leisure." We shouldn't feel entitled to oil and the use of oil--we do not own natural resources and can dispose ofthem as we please, as if we were Lord. Rather, we should use them for God and the common good.

On the day I was returning to California (I think I got the time right), my po po was giving me advice and making her concerns, and complaints, known [as usual]. It is hard to listen to her, especially when one is discounting much of her advice. For example, she was complaining about my mother not changing the wedding dates for my sisters, because according to Chinese numerology, they were inauspicious dates. I tried to tell her that my mother had no power to change the dates, since the wedding planning was all under the control of my sisters, but my grandmother couldn't understand this.

She emphasized that this was a part of Chinese culture, and that even though she had immigrated to the US, and Americans don't follow Chinese ways, she still followed them (and expected that her children and grandchildren would do the same).

It is difficult to evangelize the culture, when people are so set on their customs. From a Catholic perspective, numerology in any form is a form of superstition. But since po po isn't really Christian, apparently never having made a genuine conversion, she can't evaluate Chinese traditions from that perspective. (Even though she is always talking about how we should use our mind to judge things, and not accept them blindly or unquestioningly.) Small wonder that East Asian Catholics were persecuted for being impious, when they were trying to figure out what traditions could be kept and what had to be discared.

[But I did find out part of her religious history, and it seems that it's not what I thought previously: that somehow she was Christian and then rejected it; rather she was ill-prepared for baptism, and her attraction to Buddhism predated her baptism. She reconciles her "Christian" and Buddhist practices and beliefs by saying that she is repaying gwoon yam (guan yin) and Christ for what they have done for her. The story is that gwoon yam saved her from a ship that was starting to sink because there was a leak, and water was flooding the hold (where she and some others were in?). So she sees it as a question of justice, rather than of true belief. Of course, she says religions are all the same, they teach us how to be good people and to maintain custody over our sam/xin (heart-mind).]

Then she gave some relationship advice again, telling me not to take marriage so seriously or to be so quick to jump into marriage; rather I should take my time and try things out; it's ok to date (and even cohabitate, apparently; is she even so permissive about having children out of wedlock?) but that should be it. Why?

Guys lose out in marriage. She claimed that nui dzai (girls) weren't good marriage material these days, not knowing how to be good wives and so on. Marriage for guys is sit dai (disadvantageous/detrimental). Guys have things rough--in a divorce they lose money and custody of the kids.

She used my cousins as examples of marriage not being worth it.

If I remember the 3 points that I made in L&R, one needs to look first of all for compatability in:
1. religion
2. goals/lifestyle (including formation of children)
3. character [morals]

(With respect to #3, manners is included, and is increasingly become more of a deal-breaker. How can one raise children with the same manners, or an even better set, if one's spouse doesn't observe them?)

Po po did ask why I didn't have a girlfriend yet, and wondering if i was going to end up being a monk. She even said that if I get too old, no girl will like me. I replied that I didn't have a gf yet because I need to have a job first, and I think she understood that, saying that as soon as I find a job and get that part of my life settled, I should start wan nui pang yau (looking for a girlfriend).

I made the point once, using St. Thomas More and Alice More as examples, of how a marriage might work out and even be happy, despite big differences in education or intellectual level. Now being learned is not the same as being intelligent, and having practical wisdom may be better than speculative wisdom as a quality in a spouse. It seems that Alice More was a woman of simple piety, but a devout woman nonetheless? And their marriage underscores the practical nature of marriage, and the division of labor that is needed for the sake of proper functioning of the household. How did St. Thomas and Alice spend their time together? Would advocates of companionate marriage say that their marriage was lacking with respect to the ideals of companionate marriage?

[Marriage Models; What's Love Got to Do with It]

But what do most people today look for when they look at common interests? Similar hobbies, leisure activities, tastes in mass entertainment? Anything beyond "how are we going to have fun together?" Is this not the desire for pleasurable activities that characterizes friendship among the young (according to Aristotle)? A friendship which is not the same as friendship based on virtue, and more oriented towards the self than the other (but not necessarily 100% selfish).

Having fun is relatively easy, unless one is married to a killjoy or a miser. Being responsible and attentive to the demands of duty... that's difficult.

Still, I would like to get married to a letter-writer.

I called Watcher on Sunday, and he asked if it wasn't sad that I was talking to him instead of a girl. Not really... after all, there are other things I need to work on first if I am to be a good husband and father, so it does bother me.

I do need to be careful about being desperate (like Captain Wentworth) and engaging in wishful thinking, creating a fantasy that is not in accord with reality, overlooking flaws and such and pretending that there is potential (especially with respect to religion) when there isn't... discernment is important. It's probably a good thing that the last attempt at courtship didn't work out... so much was lacking. I think the same can be said of most of the other attempts, if not all.

Yeah, maybe I will end up looking at Ave Maria Singles or CatholicMatch.com. haha

Despite the "lecturing" and complaining, I'm glad I got a chance to visit po po, even though I was grumbling a bit before about how inconvenient it was. Hrm. I gotta call my mother and see if she gave her the directions about taking the urine sample.