Author Paul Coughlin broke out of a passive lifestyle and wants to help the men in your life do the same.
Paul Coughlin, author, Christian radio talk-show host, and married father of three, describes himself as a "former Christian nice guy." Raised in an abusive home and brought up with a warped, wimpy picture of Jesus, Paul, 39, looked around at his life six years ago and realized he was a frustrated man. "When I brought the fear-based passivity of my youth, combined with the false ideal of Mild Jesus into my marriage, fireworks exploded," Paul explains. "Providing for my family was tough because I was no match for coworkers and bosses who knew they could bowl me over. And I feared passing my emotional void onto my children."
When Paul shared his experiences and observations about passive men, people responded enthusiastically, thanking him for discussing a dynamic that so negatively affected their relationships. Paul also found validation from respected Christian leaders, such as Chuck Swindoll, who wrote: "The passive husband continues to be one of the most common complaints I hear from troubled homes."
Paul realized passivity was impacting countless other families as well. So he staged his own No More Mr. Nice Guy Revolution, waging a fight against passionless living via his website www.ChristianNiceGuy.com and his book No More Christian Nice Guy (Bethany House) last year. TCW recently caught up with Paul to find out how wives, mothers, grandmothers, sisters, and friends can help the Nice Christian Guys in their lives.
So what's wrong with being nice?
If by "nice" you mean a person who's gentle and patient, then there's nothing wrong with that. Those attributes are fruits of the Spirit. But oftentimes when someone is described as a "nice guy," it's not as it appears. Nice people are often passive; they're hiding behind that "niceness." Nice Guys figure, If I live small, my troubles will be few. They often go with the flow—not because they agree with you, but because they're afraid of conflict.
But as followers of Christ, we're supposed to be honest with others. We're supposed to be salt and light to those who don't know Jesus (Matthew 5:13-16). It's difficult to be salt and light when you think you've got to be agreeable all the time.
If nice is bad, what's the better alternative?
Being a Good Guy. A Good Guy is willing to enter into conflict to be a redemptive force for good. He has a strong will. He takes chances on occasion. He's protective of those in his care. He stands up to injustice. Where a Nice Guy is pretty emotionless, a Good Guy is passionate about life. His way of living looks a lot more like the "abundant life" Jesus talks about in John 10:10.
Where does the Christian Nice Guy phenomenon come from?
Much of it stems from an inaccurate picture of Jesus. Contrary to the common fiction many churches promote of "gentle Jesus, meek and mild," Jesus was both amazingly compassionate and assertive. In the Gospel of Mark alone we see Jesus confronting people, healing people, yelling at people, calling people names. We have the notion Jesus was endlessly patient, yet he turned to his disciples, seemingly exasperated, and said, "O unbelieving and perverse generation … How long shall I put up with you?" (Matthew 17:17).
When we look at how Jesus behaves—he's more passionate, more adamant, more strong-willed than those around him—that should encourage his followers to shake off their passivity.
When did you realize you were too passive?
It wasn't a one-time epiphany, but a series of events that clued me in. One was studying the Gospel of Mark and realizing that along with his amazing acts of love, Jesus also did some really confrontational things. I realized if I'm supposed to be like Jesus, I need to be more like the real Jesus.
I also watched my male friends who seemed to be more honest with their emotions. They were able to cry, and I just couldn't. I wasn't emotional even when my children were born. The shortest verse in the Bible is also one of the most profound: "Jesus wept" (John 11:35). As Christ-followers, we should be the most alive people out there. But I wasn't, and I knew it. And I feared I was instilling the same lack of emotion in my children.
I saw a counselor to help me deal with the emotional and physical abuse I suffered from my mother, which had a profound affect on my desire to live small and not be noticed. It's common for Nice Guys to have some sort of dysfunction in their upbringing that encourages passivity. My counselor helped me see what fear and passivity were doing to my emotional life, and she helped me face my anxiety.
How did your passivity affect your marriage?
My wife, Sandy, would express deep love to me, and I'd think, Oh, that's nice, because deep emotions scared me. Sometimes when I came home from work, I'd rub my wife's shoulders as a way of saying, I'm going to show you some affection now; you show me some later on when the kids are asleep. But when she didn't read my cues right, I'd get angry or pout. I didn't feel it was safe to be honest with my desires and disappointments. As a result, my wife lived on eggshells.
I deliberately avoided social contact because group settings made me uncomfortable. Over time, this frustrated my wife. Nice Guys often marry vivacious, outgoing women. My wife, Sandy, easily could teach assertiveness training. While she initially liked that I was funny and laid back, about three months into our marriage, our opposite qualities created big problems. This is a common pattern for Nice Guys.
How did your passivity affect your spiritual life?
I thought God was always out to get me. Like a lot of Christian Nice Guys, I thought I could charm him with "good" behavior. I knew about God's love and grace, but fear wouldn't let me experience them fully.
Passivity also drew me into particular sins, such as half-truths, manipulation, resentment, and bitterness. Christian Nice Guys struggle with bitterness and resentment more so than others because they let people walk all over them.
What can a woman who's married to a Nice Guy do?
Tell him how it feels when his passivity affects your life. For example, when a subcontractor overcharges for work around the house and your husband fails to get on the phone and confront him, you probably don't feel protected and secure. Be honest about that. But in the process, avoid shaming or belittling your husband. These will only send him further underground.
Try to help him see what fear is doing to his life, and encourage him to get help from a counselor if necessary. Once fear is out of the driver's seat, your husband will become a new person. His real personality finally will come forward.
Perhaps offer to study the Gospel of Mark or Jesus' life with him, taking special care to point out all of Jesus' attributes. This would help both of you become more Christlike.
What's different about your life now as a Good Guy?
I'm more proactive. I'm not as likely to be sucked into other people's agendas as I was before. Now I follow God's path for my life instead of worry about pleasing others.
I'm more protective, too. Recently a boy picked on my daughter while she was walking home from school. So I joined them the next day, put my arm around him, and said, "Hey, I'm Abby's father. Nice to meet you. Hey, listen. My daughter says you're picking on her. And by picking on my daughter, you're picking on me. So I need you to stop this. Now." He left my daughter alone after that. I never would have dreamed of doing something like that before. So now my kids are more secure.
My wife knows she's now arm-in-arm with an imperfect leader, and she doesn't have to treat me with kid gloves all the time. She knows I'm not going to be as fragile as I was before. She's happier and more relaxed.
Jesus exhibited love when he invited children into his presence and when he chased the money-changers out of the temple. Since Jesus modeled both types of love—tender and tough—that gives me, as a man and as a Christ-follower, the freedom to do the same.
How can women avoid raising Nice Guys?
Passive boys fear standing up for themselves and disagreeing with peers. So one of the best things a mom can do is allow her son to have an opinion—even if it's wrong at first. I'm not saying let bad or sinful ideas go without correction. But do so in such a way that lets your son know having an opinion isn't bad. If he isn't allowed to express his opinions when he's young, he's less likely to do so when he's older.
Without shaming or belittling your son, point out how his passive behaviors or attitudes are affecting his life. Help your child come to terms with his fears, the underlying motivator for passivity. Look at a specific fear, and then two weeks later talk about the fact his fear never came to pass. Also talk about the fact that if his fear did come to pass, it wouldn't be the end of the world. Talk about how he'd handle that situation.
Is there such as thing as a passive Christian woman?
Yes. Unfortunately fear and passivity are equal-opportunity destroyers. It's probably a bit more noticeable in men since we're supposed to be competitive and tough. But this behavior can be just as maddening for husbands of passive Christian women. The good news is, typically women are more willing to seek help and better able to talk about their emotions and issues.
Regardless of gender, it's amazing what happens once we get this debilitating fear and deception out in the open. They lose their power over us. And, with God's help, we're able to walk into a better, freer, more abundant life in him.
For more information on Paul Coughlin and his ministry, go to www.ChristianNiceGuy.com, and watch for Paul's next book: Married But Not Engaged: Why Men Check Out and What You Can Do to Recapture Intimacy (due out in July with Bethany House).
Copyright © 2006 by the author or Christianity Today International/Today's Christian Woman magazine.Click here for reprint information on Today's Christian Woman.
March/April 2006, Vol. 28, No. 2, Page 38
Dr. Laura blurb.
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