How does one resolve the tensions that arise between daily contact between the wife and the in-laws? In traditional Chinese culture it was understood that when a woman was married, she became a part of the husband's family, and her ties with her own family had been severed. So there would be no problems of showing 'favoritism' to her own family, or her parents competing with his parents for time with them (and the children) and so on. And, her parents would no longer have any sort of authority over her, nor would she consult them for advice (probably), since she would be under the authority not only of the husband, but of his elders as well.
In another post (not yet published) I remark that Dr. Laura usually counsels couples to maintain some sort of distance between themselves and their parents, especially if they are newlyweds. iirc, she has advocated that since the integrity and health of the family comes first, if in-laws who move in become difficult, they should seek alternate accomodations (or be put in nursing care if they have poor health). This sort of advice would be shocking to traditional East Asians, I think, though the younger generation seems to not place much weight on the manifestation of filial piety mentioned in the article.
Part of the problem in Chinese culture is with parents who are used to having authority and do not relinquish it, even when their children come of age. As a result, their children have difficulty making decisions on their own. (Until it comes time for them to rebel, for the sake of their psychological health. This seems to happen often when they settle in the United States.) Some measure of independence is necessary, if by independence we understand it as having the ultimate authority in deciding what should be done for the good of one's family, instead of obeying the dictates of one's parents. We get the problem at the opposite extreme in many parts of American society--people expect social security, their pension, and so on to take care of them (and to enable some measure of an 'independent' existence, free from the help of others), rather than relying upon their children for such support. Indeed, some (surprisingly enough like my mother) even say that they would not would not pass that norm onto them, or expect their children to perceive such an obligation.
Chinese parents do need to learn the difference between giving advice and commanding (whether it be explicitly or implicitly through 'guilt trips' and emotional manipulation). And if they are staying at the home of their children, they need to realize that they do not have control of the environment and the way things are run. (Though the adult children should take their needs into consideration, and their preferences to some degree.) Adult children need to learn to see their parents as a resource to which they can still turn for advice.
I do not think it would be inaccurate to say that in the past American (and English) families were patriarchal--but one finds an increasing expectation among Americans that the families of both spouses should receive equal attention. But surely it can be admitted that if the expectation that the care of the parents should fall primarily on the [first] son, it is easier to figure out the necessary social arrangements to make this happen, and to take care of any exceptions to this? This would seem to be a more pressing need in certain kinds of communities, either those that are too diffuse, or too big. In smaller communities, where everyone lives in close proximity it would be easier for the spouses to take care of both sets of parents, if this should be necessary.
I still don't care for the movie. The movie deals with relationships between Chinese mothers and American-born daughters, and the culture clash between them. I can't think of a movie that deals with the tension between a wife and her in-laws, except perhaps Pushing Hands.
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