The Daring Date, by Michael Rose
Consider, then, what I call the ‘daring date,’ a kind of supplement to all that wining and dining stuff. (Remember, I said ‘supplement’.) Here’s the premise: rather than approaching the date as another path to leisure, put yourself into a challenging, potentially aggravating, situation together – a situation in which you will invariably learn how your date responds in difficult or at least challenging circumstances. I don’t suggest doing anything disingenuous, such as arranging to meet at an appointed place and time only to spy on how your date reacts when you don’t show. I’m not suggesting you do anything too dangerous: don’t drive out into the middle of the Mojave dessert with a quarter tank of gas – at Midnight, without food, water or your mobile phones. I suggest something daring, not stupid. Choose a dose of real life.
OK. Here are a few examples I’ve run across over the years.
This first one I call ‘the babysitting gig.’ Whether you’re a man or a woman — in this case it doesn’t matter — offer to baby sit your nieces or nephews, or some other suitable children that know you (and like you) well. Now, invite your date along (assuming it’s OK with the kids’ parents) to a night of amusing your charges, changing diapers, preparing snacks, cleaning up after them, putting them to bed, and all the rest. Make sure you mind at least two kids at once, and preferably one or two more. I’ve heard that four is optimal. And don’t cheat: you’re not allowed to plug the kids into a DVD to watch Strawberry Shortcake’s Adventures on Ice Cream Island.
This is a fantastic opportunity to see what your other half really thinks about children, and how he or she interacts with them. Sure, he says he likes kids, but what really happens when the rubber meets the road? Does he look at the kids with a creased face and wrinkled brow, unsure if he really wants to pick up that toddler? Does she head for the door when little Missy musses her diaper or when Tiny Tony wants to play Hungry Hungry Hippos? The possibilities are endless here. Anything can happen, and that’s exactly the point. (Tip: if the kids start throwing telephone books at her or can’t stop jumping onto his back, things are looking good).
Next up: ‘the handyman’s gig’. OK. You’ve decided to become a fitness nut. In a fit of impetuosity you’ve ordered one of those exercise machines from some supplier on eBay. You’re happy to have bought it for a song, but it arrives in a box the size of your sofa – and in 458 different pieces. Some assembly required. Get on that phone and ring him (or her) up. You need some help. If you can get him to agree to stop over in the next 24 hours, you’re on your way. I think you can imagine much of the rest. Does he follow directions (or even read directions)? Does he know how to handle the miniature tools that came with the parts? Or does he arrive with his own toolbox? Does he break any of the parts, either on accident or in a fit of temper? Most importantly: does the job get done right? At the end of the day, does the thing work? And, are you still on speaking terms?
You don’t necessarily need to purchase some complex piece of equipment; there are plenty alternative scenarios based on the handyman gig idea: maybe your toilet won’t flush, your garbage disposal is clogged, or your doorbell won’t ding. Perhaps you need help building a deck, buffing your hardwood floors, re-grouting your bathtub, or repaving your patio. You get the idea, I’m sure.
Traveling some significant distance can sometimes be just as much of a challenge as babysitting or handiwork. Here’s an idea on that score: plan a day trip to a place as far as you can comfortably travel to and from in a day’s time – together, with no third wheels. We’re still talking about a date here. This is best undertaken during summertime, on a particularly hot and humid day. Don’t worry so much about your destination. It could be somewhere relatively mundane – even just to pick up a piece of furniture – but figure out a way to make the trip worthwhile for your other half. Not only will you both be in the tight confines of an automobile for many, many hours at a time, and consequently have to figure out a way to pass the day other than staring out the windscreen, you will also need to cooperate in unexpected ways. If you go through with this one, you’ll see what I mean. Sure, you get along fine over dinner-and-a-movie, but how ‘bout over a steering wheel on the open road?
Here’s another travel idea, and this one could be the most enjoyable of all. It does, however, require some time and a wee bit of money. Depending on how it turns out, you might even be able to call it a vacation. Choose a city of some interest to you both that neither has before visited. Make your travel arrangements and accommodation plans independently of one another. Don’t travel by the same mode of transport (not in the same car, not on the same train, and not on the same flight, as the case may be) and don’t stay at the same hotel. Don’t even let your other half know where you’ll be staying. Your mission then is to find one another – oh, and you’re not allow to call, email, fax, or telegraph your date. If you choose a mega-metropolis like New York – or even Boston or San Francisco, agree on staying in one general area or neighborhood, else you’ll have too little chance of success. Of course, before you leave you’ll have to get to know your date well enough to have a set of clues to follow once you arrive at your destination. No matter what happens, you’ll find this sort of thing unmitigated fun.
Each of these ‘daring dates’ is as much a compatibility test for you and your other half as it is a way to get to know a whole lot more about the everyday habits, attitudes, concerns and interests of that certain someone who might one day be a certain something more. After all, when a couple gets married, it’s not all dinner-and-a-movie fare anymore.
Hrm... well certainly the 'daring date' does not abide by the rules of traditional courtship, and it is a sad indication of how things have decayed if one needs to gauge whether someone has good "life skills" through these informal tests. Perhaps only through these means and others can enough intel be gathered.
I do think that it is a good idea to see how a potential spouse behaves around children and if they have what it takes to be a good parent (e.g. not be indulgent). But even if they are a bit clumsy with children, one must make an allowance that their skills can improve with time. So I would be looking for the following
(1) Genuine care and concern for children.
(2) Ability to establish sympathy with children.
(3) An acknowledgement that children are not one's equals, and need guidance as well as understanding. One should be able to play with a child without losing judgment and maturity. (Some 'adults' can play with children because they are still immature, so one needs to be on the lookout for this.)
I don't think long car trips are a valuable means of determining anything, at least at the outset. Yes, one can see how long the other person can maintain a conversation, but the "comfortable silence" that comes only with time and growing friendship will not be possible, and if one cannot think of something to talk about, what does one do? Pull over and get food? There are some things that one simply cannot or should not discuss with someone whom one barely knows. And so it becomes an extended conversation about things that will "almost certainly remain in the realm of the superficial." Now perhaps such a trip may be useful after one has gotten to know a person better--but people do have more intimate conversations after they have been dating for a while as well. So really, what's the point of trying this so early? It reminds me of the cr*p that reality shows pull, like The Bachelor, where people jump blindly into a discussion of intimate things with limited knowledge of the other person's character and so on.
I think one can find signs of whether someone is considerate and polite through normal dates--the difficulty is judging whether someone does not show those signs or do those acts because they were simply not brought up that way, or if they are deliberately choosing a different action.
The travel idea is just too outrageous and wasteful--I think we are called to be better stewards of our resources than that.
Someone at Christendom wrote something about dating once, I'm not sure if it was printed or put online, and I disagreed with much of that as well. At that time I wondered if the author had sufficent experience and maturity to be writing advice for young adults about love, and I wonder if Mr. Rose should perhaps be more circumspect. How would Jane Austen respond?
No comments:
Post a Comment