John Thomas, Discernment in Dating

Discernment in Dating
by John Thomas

Authentic doesn't mean being perfect. It means being honest enough to acknowledge all of the imperfections, and, at least for Christians, it means being humble enough to know we can't deal with them on our own, that only Jesus offers any real hope for change, and that we must daily — moment by moment, really — lean on Him and His grace if we are to have any hope for being authentically Christ-like.

What you must beware of is embracing an anemic vision of what it means to be a Christian, and using that as your standard for potential boy/girl friends. Just because someone behaves "Christianly," i.e., appears to be moral, attends church, maybe even prays when asked, does not mean he or she is actually intentionally pursuing Christ. I've known plenty of guys (i.e., me) who've "cleaned up their act" so they could get a date with the pretty Christian girl, and vice-versa.

So how do you use this gift of discernment? Well, first you must do a little soul searching and answer some pointed questions: Am I authentically pursuing Christ? Am I being the type of person that I'm looking for in someone else? Am I willing and honest enough to acknowledge my own imperfections and humble enough to know how desperately I daily need the grace of God to be the kind of person I'm looking for in someone else? As I recently wrote, having a clear understanding of our own depravity goes a long way toward understanding others.

A couple of things will happen as you authentically pursue a relationship with Christ. One, you will attract those of the opposite sex who are doing the same. If you do happen to attract a pretender, he or she won't hang around for long. They will either change or leave in short order — they can't keep pretending when faced with the real thing. Two, you will discover the ability to more quickly recognize the same authenticity in others. That's the gift of discernment.

Mr. Thomas is Protestant in his diction--substitute "sinfulness" or "flawed" for "depravity."


See also his The Person I Should Marry