Monday, May 01, 2006

"CANADIAN ALIEN MANIFESTO"

From The Lady Downstairs--

Dear American Oppressor:

In solidarity with oppressed foreign nationals living in your house, you should post my manifesto!!!! Especially if you value the security of the vulnerable electric kitchen appliances that are valid political targets!!!!

CANADIAN ALIEN MANIFESTO/Manifest des étranger(e)s canadien(ne)s

There are posters all over my neighbourhood encouraging foreigners to walk out of our jobs and protest our host/oppressor the American Government. Now since I am here legally, it might seem a bit ungrateful to do that, but at least I'm morally superior to people who snuck in. So in solidarity with oppressed Canadians studying all over the United States, living on stipends provided by rich capitalists to capitalist universities, I am walking out of my job (writing my Virtue Ethics paper) to make the following DEMANDS:

1. Each Starbucks must be replaced by a Tim Horton's or a Second Cup.

2. The bank machines must replace either the Spanish or the English instructions with French instructions. We have the MORAL RIGHT to have the French option to reject/utiliser.

3. Boston Bruins fans and fans of other American teams must be EJECTED for booing fans of
Canadian teams at hockey games. A ten minute penalty must be assigned the American team in that eventuality.

4. Canadians must be given ARMED ESCORTS when the Blue Jays beat the Red Sox or the Yankees.

5. All American flagpoles MUST fly the Canadian flag on July 1 et le drapeau du Quebec le 24 juin.

6. The Star-Spangled Banner must be REWRITTEN to reflect peaceful Canadian culture. We deplore the description of bombs bursting in the air as jingoist imperialist necrophilia.

7. Making fun of the way we say "house" and "about" is a HATE CRIME and must be prosecuted as such. Et ici on a le droit de parler francais bien sûr. Qui parle à moi en anglais me menace et ICI on peut acheter les fusils.

8. All Catholic churches should have "Canadian" masses in which we say the APOSTLES CREED instead of the Nicene Creed. All that "Light from Light" stuff makes our heads hurt and mass too long.

9. American schoolchildren should be taught to SPELL correctly and frequently reminded that Canada WON the War of 1812. Any protests that actually there was no Canada in 1812, it was just a sparsely populated outpost of Britain should result in suspensions and sensitivity training.

10. We don't give a damn about who gets the south-west but the 13 colonies (sauve le Maine qui est une parte de Nouvelle France par droit) HISTORICALLY and MORALLY belong to the British and therefore to the Dominion of Canada. GOD SAVE THE QUEEN! VIVE LE MAINE LIBRE!

Canadian Alien/Etrangèr(e) Canadien(ne)

pb says: Canadians have an odd sense of humor... please direct any comments to The Lady Downstairs. *flees*

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