How Political Correctness Has Killed Off the Art of the Compliment

How Political Correctness Killed the Compliment
by Motte Brown on May 21, 2007 at 3:03 PM

Call me old fashioned but I'm a big fan of the compliment. From what I can tell, they are always well received, from both men and women. Of course, I'm careful that they're never flirtatious if they're directed toward a woman. But I wonder if I'd be different if I had grown up in today's hyper-sensitive culture.

According to an online newspaper in Scotland, The Scotmans, men won't offer women simple compliments anymore because they're afraid of saying the wrong thing. And it appears that there's just cause for such temperance. Research reveals that 70 percent of women think that the motives behind flattering remarks given by co-workers or new acquaintances are suspect.

Here's an excerpt:
"It is a sad state of affairs, but it is true," Professor Cary Cooper, of Lancaster University Management School, said. "A lot of people -- and it is not just men -- are frightened of saying something for fear it will be misinterpreted. It has become so much more difficult."

I wonder how our readers feel about this. Men, are you afraid of giving compliments for fear of offending? Women, are you suspicious of men who'll hold the door for you? If you are, then maybe The Scotmans Guide to Modern Manners on the Dos and Don't of compliments will help:

Dos:
Do be sincere when making your compliments. "If you are genuine, the recipient will sense that and there won't be any sense of an ulterior motive," says Clare Coulson, author of the manners and etiquette bible House Rules. "Sometimes you turn up tired and looking bedraggled and someone says, 'Oh, you look nice', and it just sounds so fake."

Do hold open doors - a man with good manners will do this instinctively, and a woman with good manners will accept the gesture with grace.

Do compliment colleagues on their work. "Even if you might think twice about complimenting their hair or their appearance, everyone likes to be told they got something right at work," says Professor Cary Cooper, of the Lancaster University Management School. "Saying that someone handled a meeting particularly well or did a good job on something is not only a nice gesture, it improves motivation and lifts the whole workplace environment for everyone."

Do pick your time for a compliment. "The most graceful way to pass a more personal compliment is to do it and then move on," says Coulson. "That way, there is no room for awkwardness."

Don'ts:
Don't compliment someone in front of other people. "It is absolutely excruciating when someone makes a point of complimenting you in front of a large group," says Clare Coulson, author of manners and etiquette bible House Rules. "You want the ground to swallow you up."

Don't say someone has lost weight -- unless they have obviously lost a lot. It might make someone think they were fat to start with.

Don't comment on her perfume. "Making a personal compliment is a really grey area," says Coulson. There is something a little too personal about pointing out someone's scent -- no matter how much you enjoy it.

Don't call someone "love", even out of habit. "I have been living in the north-west of England long enough to call everyone 'love'," says Professor Cary Cooper, of Lancaster University. "But when I said it on the phone to a woman in London she was outraged. It is not a term of endearment everywhere so it could turn a well-intentioned compliment into something which could be interpreted as patronising."

Don't overdo it -- complimenting the same person all of the time but never anyone else is a recipe for disaster.